Chelonian Handbill

The Chelonian Handbill is one of the handbills in Red Dead Redemption 2.

Content
READ HEREIN

PRAIIS'D BY ANDERS HELEGERSON

BLACKWATER: PRINTED FOR 1892

IT IS HUMBLY HOPED THAT EVERY IMPARTIAL READER WILL TAKE THESE MESSAGES TO HEART, and not be filled with knavery or folly or trepidation or jest or while he or she sups, but instead listen to the great teachings of our master.

WE TRAVELED ACROSS GREAT OCEANS FIGHTING SCURVY TO ARRIVE IN THIS PARADISE. For it is not Indiana. It is not America. It is Chelonia. You may ask, where is this Chelonia? You are already here.

IT IS TIME TO PREPARE FOR THE JOURNEY TO CHELONIA. WE ARE ALREADY THERE. Buthow does one do so? Shoe the horses? Prepare the preserves? Tend to the animals and wagon? prepare for the journey. We are going to Chelonia.

WHEN YOU SEE A CRIPPLE, A WICKED NEIGHBOR, OR A DRUNKARD, DO YOU FEAR FOR YOUR SAFETY? Do you fear the poor? Are you poor? Are you afraid of being poor? We can be safe! We can all be safe... safe and perfect, thanks to the wisdom of the mater.

BE IT KNOWN THAT GREAT EVILLURKS IN MANY PLACES -in a dark hollow, in a woman's heart, in the eyes of a bird of prey, but we bring truth to light and remove the dark evil from our hearts so that we can be safe, thanks to our master. We can be that bird and prey. We can hold an egg up to candle and know if life exists or if it is breakfast. Come feast in Chelonia.

WHERE IS HEAVEN? WHERE IS CHELONIA? IT IS HERE. There are several people who cannot believe that very truth. But it was handed down over 100 years ago to our great prophet. And it is known that anything old is true. Ask the very old you will see this to be true,unless they are too old and unable to hear and will become with the worms soon enough and no longer be a burden on the family.

DO NOT BECOME UNABLE TO HEAR. All parts of the account are true, and the strictest regard shall be held for the truth,just as we know it to be true that this land is our heaven and the two oceans are our shells. Listen to those shells and you hear the oceans that we sailed. Carry the shells with you, one in each hand, and show everyone that you have the shells of truth,and should anyone not believe you they won't follow to Chelonia and will most likely live a mediocre life in squalor.

THAT SHELL OF TRUTH CAN MAKE YOU SAFE. YOU NEED TO BE SAFE. LIFE CAN BE SAFE. now is the time to stop endangering your loved ones and make them safe. I implore you! Your children and loved ones are in great danger! Would you throw your wife off a clit?Of course this has never crossed your mind. Then how could you subject them to such peril? Safety above all else.

THANKS TO THE PROVIDENCE OF OUR ALMIGHTY MASTER. 100 years ago, our great Chelonian master led pilgrims across the Lannahechee into the wilderness. Most survived the journey.There they found a great place of safety, and thanks to his teachings, now, we can join them in paradise and eat fruits and nuts and slow-cook creatures into delicious stewe.

ANGER, MISCHIEF, REVENGE. THEY SIMPLY DO NOT EXIST IN CHELONIA. America can rise to where it was always supposed to be. 100 years ago, our master foresaw it. He told all that would listen. For paradise provides, and we are at its teats. The teats of Chelonia await you. Do not refuse it lest you go hungry and your mother chides you. Remember these things, and tell everyone at the teats and the shells.

LET US PRAY TOGETHER AND GIVE THANKS FOR OUR REDEMPTION. A place of safety. A place of wisdom. A place for the selected. A place where people stay because they have heard the ocean that lives between two shells. And those that don't will most likely perish by drowning or swimming during the wrong moon cycle.

TAKE THIS MESSAGE I HAVE TOLD YOU AND SPREAD THE WORD. Speak it before a multitude of spectators so that they may come to Chelonia with us as Chelonians. And we will rejoice then as we do now. Amen and Amen and Amen give thanks for the shells.

PLEASE SHOW THIS PAMPHLET TO YOUR FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS

CONTRIBUTIONS AND REQUESTS FOR CORRESPONDENCE CAN BE SENT TO

CHELONIA HOUSE

BOSTON, MA