The Assault on Fort Mercer/dialogues

[Marshal and his boys join Marston on a hilltop overlooking the fort.]

Marshal: John.

Marston: Marshal.

West: Gentlemen. It's time. We must go.

Marston: Why? What's happening?

[John looks through the spyglass to see Seth doing a crazy dance on the wall.]

West: Seth has managed to get himself inside, but we can't leave it too long, or they will soon realize how very curious he is, and remove him from the premises, or slit his throat and watch him bleed to death, but for a minute, he will delight and amuse them. That's when he'll get us inside.

Marston: Okay.

West: Marshals of the law, when the shooting starts, take that as your cue to start awarding each other medals...

Jonah: Huh?

West: I mean, take it as a cue to get inside and clean up the mess.

Jonah: Oh!

Marston: All I care about is Williamson. It is vital we stop him.

Marshal: Agreed. That man is a stone-cold killer.

Marston: Williamson is a proud fool. Question is...which one will win out between his pride and his instinct for survival.

West: Ensconce yourself in the back of my wagon, John, so that we can make our grand entrance.

Marston: Come on.

[The deputies shut the wagon's door on Marston. West hits the trail.]

West: Alright, good. Now just stay put until I tell you otherwise. That scoundrel Seth had better not let us down. Once we're inside and I've lulled our adversaries into a false sense of security with some beguiling sales patter, I will give you the signal.

Marston: What signal?

West: The moment you hear a sharp rap on the side of the wagon, rise like the phoenix and start shooting like you've never shot before. This is it, my dear boy. The moment of truth. Me and you, John. One last time into the breach! This is going to have to be the performance of my life. I hope my nerves don't get the better of me. I'll be honest with you, John, I'm a little jittery. John? John?

Marston: It reeks of miracles back here.

West: Thank god. Now be ready with that machine gun, my dear boy. I'll be a sitting duck in there.

[West pulls up to Fort Mercer's gate. Outlaws open the gate.]

Seth: Hey, hey there! Come on in, come on in. Welcome to my humble abode! Come on.

West: Greetings, my good men! What would you say if I said, immortality was at hand? What would you say if I told you, I could teach you to fly? What would you say if I told you, I could turn a man into a beautiful woman? Impossible? Yes, once but no more! Gentlemen, I bring you wisdom from the East. I have here in this wagon some of the finest goods, the best medicines and the newest inventions available for you and your families! Exotic trinkets from the far reaches of the earth! Elixirs that give vigor and strength! And...for you men of physical skill and athletic physique, this miraculous elixir can keep the muscles supple and relax the chords. It loosens the joints and gives a feeling of vigor and freshness to the whole system! Why some men have reported to me that after drinking it for one month, they can chew through steel!

[West raps on the wagon's side and Marston pushes the wagon's sides back to reveal the juicy surprise in store for the outlaws. John mercilessly slays the ones in sight, leaving way for the marshals to come insafely.]

Jonah: Fuck a dang pig, them cocksucking sons-a-bitches escaped to the other side of the fort.

Marshal: Alright, let's go!

West: I think my work here is done. Godspeed, gentlemen, I bid you farewell!

[They hunt down the rest of the outlaws.]

Marshal: I think that's most of 'em, boys. Come on, let's regroup.

[They do so by the other gate.]

Marshal: That's the last of 'em. We still can't find Williamson anywhere.

Eli: Hey, it's the snake oil guy!

West: Gentlemen, let me in for goodness sake!

Marston: That fool must be hiding.

Marshal: Men, it is time to start tearing this place apart and find out where he's cowering!

West: A sense of urgency here, please.

Eli: Open the gate -- it's the snake oil guy!

Marshal: Well, get the goddamn gate open and lock it behind him!

West: Oh, we've got company, gentlemen! These scoundrels have got reinforcements riding this way!

Eli: Oh my good lord above! There must be a hundred of 'em!

[Marston exits the fort and mans the gatling gun, slaying the rest.]

Marshal: I can't see any more of 'em. I think we did it, boys!

Eli: Bill ain't here. We looked everywhere.

Irish: Hold on! Hold on...I missed it.

Jonah: Marshal! Mr. Marston! We got a live one. He says, Bill's already run off to Mexico yesterday morning.

Bandit: You'll never get him!

Marston: Javier Escuella. He's gone to see Javier Escuella. That should make things interesting. Where in Mexico?

Bandit: How should I know?

Eli: Where in Mexico, you little shit?

Bandit: Someplace near Chuparosa, I think he said. That's bandit country.

Irish: Chupa-fuckin-rosa? Oh, I'll take you there, John. I'm real popular down there. You just meet me at the ferry. I've got lots of friends down South.

Marston: I'll see you at the ferry, Irish.

Irish: I'll just get me things.

Marshal: I'm sorry about this, John. I guess you'll be heading to Mexico.

Marston: So it would seem. How is it down there?

West: Wonderful! A sweet, peace-loving people, with a love of social justice. May you always find coin in your pocket! It's been a pleasure spending time with you, boy.

Marston: You too, Mr. West Dickens. Marshal.

Marston: Alright boys, that's enough.